Speed wobbles as the stadium on the Swan hosts another day of first-day disaster for batsmen of both stripes

PL: also, rumours Josh Hazlewood may not bowl again this summer

England 172 (32.5), Australia 9-123

“Well, in our country,” said Alice, still panting a little, “you’d generally get to somewhere else—if you run very fast for a long time, as we’ve been doing.”

“A slow sort of country!” said the Queen. “Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

The first day, bless its little cotton socks, summoning all its strength and connivances, rose to the occasion and then, possibly, got a little ahead of itself.

Nineteen freaking wickets in a day is just plain silly. Sure there was some great bowling, but it was aided and abetted by some abject batting. Things went from dumb to dumber. England’s tail gave catching practice to a smear of deep fielders set for that purpose. Then the Australians found all manner of soft ways to get out. What the hell was Alex Carey thinking when he lobbed the ball down third man’s throat with 10 minutes to go?

God help us all if this series continues at the pace it set here on Friday.

Wickets fell in the first over of both innings – yes, there were two innings, and things were progressing at such a pace it wouldn’t have surprised had there been three.

England were, essentially, bowled out in a session. Mitchell Starc took seven.

And Australia were a hot mess when called on to bat.

Anyone seen Usman Khawaja? If anyone has seen a 38-year-old opening bat, could they bring him to the stadium management office, please?