What the hell is "tape ball"? (and how can I bet on it?)

Is this indoor cricket for normal people, wonders Errol Parker.

Tax dollars at work; the ABC taught me something this morning. Tape Ball. It finally has a name. The game that I played as a youngster, with a taped-up tennis ball and a bat made from the finest imitation Kashmir willow, wasn’t actually cricket. It was this new game, one seemingly popular in Pakistan if you believe the ABC. It got me thinking.

Are we witnessing another cricket format emerge from the sport’s birth canal?

This excites for a number of reasons. The mother of this format isn’t some weeping anal fissure, their gullet bisected by a red and yellow garrotte, clutching a glass of lager in the Lord’s Long Room. Nor is it the unbiased, omnipresent International Cricket Council. Tape Ball is a product of Pakistan. An invention that rivals other Pakistani inventions such as “fertilisers with non-explosive materials”, the UN’s Human Development Index, the pleuroperitoneal shunt, and the world’s first plastic magnet. I would argue it’s near the top of that list. The fact that it’s grown outside the containment of cricket’s two most ancient and uninspiring governing bodies makes it exciting.

The Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), based at Lord’s in London, is the guardian of the Laws of Cricket. The puce-faced snobs as Gideon described them last year. The purveyor of cricket’s etiquette and sensibilities. The MCC is not known for its innovation, but rather for maintaining their status quo. The International Cricket Council (ICC) is the global governing body for cricket and they hate former Prime Minsiter John Howard as much as the next tubby Northcote terrace house dweller. Not a salient point to this article, however. The ICC’s focus has been on international competitions, the traditional formats of Test, One Day and Twenty20. While the ICC has introduced changes to modernise the game, its efforts are often seen as apathetic and slow-moving. Weirdly similar to how bureaucracy works in India.

Tape Ball cricket, by contrast, is a grassroots innovation that has evolved organically outside these formal structures. Its informality and accessibility make it appealing. All you need is a tennis ball, some electrical tape, and a bat – ingredients for countless hours of proper fun with your mates. The taped ball provides a different kind of swing and bounce, making the game distinct from traditional cricket and adding to its charm.

But I haven’t been able to find a betting market anywhere.

If the MCC and ICC have ruined one thing, it’s spot-fixing. Now before you get all stoic, it still goes on and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Tell you what, it made me laugh the other day when those blokes in the A-League (Australia’s peak soccer competition) got pinged taking part in some harmless spot-fixing, organised by a South American crime syndicate. At ten grand a spot, the crims were getting an absolute bargain. Anyway, the A-League did a press conference with some dude from the Australian Federal Police (AFP) who went on to describe how these criminal syndicates do these spot fixes. He goes, “These criminals target, you know, sporting leagues that nobody really watches or particularly cares about,” and the look on the A-League official’s face when he said that - I fucken spat my lukewarm Lapsang Souchong out on the rug.

On my lunch break today at The Advocate, I went into the boardroom to have my lunch, a tube of original flavour Pringles and a Peter Stuyvesant Filter, and put some YouTube Tape Ball action up on the flat screen.

If you haven’t already, I’d take a look. It’s absolutely incredible. You absolutely must be able to bet on this format somewhere. Which brings me to my next point, how do I get on the inside of this competition to the point where I can get in on the spots? Even if I never do, I hope someone out there does. Some of you might have seen the light when it comes to spot-fixing and other forms of gambling-related sporting corruption. For the most part, it’s a victimless crime. It’s like insurance fraud. Well, again, insurance fraud is a victimless crime for the most part. I have dabbled in it. Just once, and it was good. If it doesn’t interest you, you can skip the next paragraph.

Well, I used to drive a green 2009 VE Commodore Omega wagon. It had that breathless 3.0 V6 in it for those playing along at home who are still reading this paragraph. Gut-less, torque-less American dog of a thing. They also came equipped with a timing chain that stretched, requiring an expensive repair that most 2009 VE Commodore owners couldn’t justify in 2018. So I hatched a plan to have it stolen by some local youths. They’d break into my house, steal my car, and benevolently torch it on the edge of town. Then I’d call up Allianz and pretend to be upset that my piece of shit car is a smouldering wreck in a table drain and I’d like my $8000 sent to me via ETF please. That plan didn’t work out, so I waited for a big downpour and drove it into a flooded causeway. It worked but I ended up getting swept off the roadway and down the creek. I honestly could’ve died, but it would’ve been a small price to pay to get rid of that green turd.

Sports betting companies in this country commit acts of utter bastardry on us all each time we watch a game. Spruiking their deals, their niche betting products and promotions, free bets, bonus bets, bet against your mates. It’s endless and it detracts from the spiritual experience of enjoying whatever game it is you enjoy watching.

Spot-fixing is a way to get back at them. We need to lobby Australian sports betting companies to start offering markets on Tape Ball. Sure, when you spot-fix, criminal gangs get richer. I’d rather they be conning the likes of SportsBet, PigBet, Ladbrokes or whatever than, you know, cooking meth.

Traditional cricket, you can’t be doing spot-fixing anymore. It upsets Michael Holding too much. Tape Ball offers a new and exciting opportunity for cricket to take back something from the sports betters. Its crude but charming nature and lack of stringent oversight make it fertile ground for those looking to make a quick buck through spot-fixing without the heavy scrutiny faced in more formal leagues. I have a feeling that tape ball has been around forever, it just has a name now.

So, when people at work ask me tomorrow what tape ball is, I’ll tell them it’s the future. It’s a fresh mutation on our game, free from the constraints and traditions that have held cricket back. It’s like indoor cricket but for normal people who don’t dream of leaving a backpack full of fertiliser and nails on a train or whatever goes on in their head. It’s an exciting, fast-paced game that can be played anywhere and by anyone. It’s the spirit of cricket, distilled into its most pure and accessible form - and it has the power to save cricket through the power of corruption.